Shameful Confession and Hopeful Revelations

Hey guys. Well, as the title suggests, I've had this thing bottled up inside of me for almost a year now, and it's been eating up inside of me. Just making me depressed almost all the time. I've told my friends a little snippet on what happened to me and what I did. I kept it inside of me because I was too ashamed to admit my failures to people who shouldn't be thinking highly of me. You guys might guess what I'm talking about. I mean, it's pretty obvious to my friends anyway. It's what happened to me and Erin, well, what I did to cause Erin to break up with me. Let's just get on with it...

Whoo...

As you guys know, we split around April, so it's been about 6-7 months now. It was all my fault though. I did this to myself. We've been having an on-and-off relationship, again my fault,  for almost 3 years. During that time, I've almost always neglected to spend time with her, which I know, it's horrible. Instead of spending time with her like I should have, I was either studying my schoolwork, working, or playing a lot of video games, which I did half the time. I was so stressed, especially my Junior and Senior year in high school. I was put into a lot of advance and honor classes that demanded a lot out of me. Everyday it just stresses me out and leaving me exhausted. All I wanted to do was just sleep and not think about school. But, Erin, she missed me a lot and always try contact me in anyway she can and comfort me anyway she could, but I was so drained both physically and emotionally, I just pushed her away and wanted to be left alone, which I knew hurt her so badly. She just wanted to help and just spend time together;, but felt like she was bothering me, which she never did. She never bothered me, but I made her seemed she did something wrong, even though it was me. I knew I could've given her at least an hour of my time to just forget my work and just spend time with someone I loved. And when she needed me, I wasn't there for her like I promised her. She can get a bit emotional at times, because of things that happened in her life, and me not being there for her, just made her felt like no one was there for her and that I didn't care about her and like I said, it's been like that for almost 3 years.

When the day finally came she left me again, this time, she was never coming back. She said it's time, and it was over, and all I could do was nothing. I didn't say anything. TO this day, I wonder if I had said something, at least try to convince her, then maybe it could've turned out a lot differently. But no, I did nothing like a damn retard. It hurt, but, like I said, we've been through this before. so... Anyway, a few weeks later she found someone else and that was probably the turning point for both of us. This person made Erin feel alive again, made her so much happier then had ever felt in a long time, in their first meeting in just one day. It was the way I handle it that really sealed everything between me and Erin. I acted like a damn stalker, always wondering what's going on, calling her a lot, messaging her alot, to the point where she threatened to change her number and even got her dad to talk to me. It scared her, because I never acted like that before. That totally changed her perspective about me. Her last impression of me is probably a whiny, immature brat, because that was exactly how I acted like. It tore me apart, not because she's with someone else, but because I did this to myself. I caused this whole thing to happen because of my selfish acts and not being a good boyfriend she deserved.

A few weeks later after that, she finally texted me and told me what's been going on that month, and said that it was for the best if we never spoke to each other ever again, which again, tore me apart, but at that initial time, I wasn't too sad or anything surprisingly; I was more relieved that she finally told me what was going on, which was something I wanted to hear in a while. All I could say was that I wished her the best of luck to her, and have a great life. That was somewhere in May and that was the last time we talked to each other. I should've left it like that. There was no hurt intended, just 2 people who wished each other luck, and moved on with their lives. No drama, but even though it supposed to end on solid terms, I still clanged to a small amount of hope we could still be friends and that just got me into more trouble then it should be. Somewhere in either late July or early August, can't remember right now, I messaged her wishing us to be friends again and forget what happened in the past, and what I got in return was her boyfriend, calling me a "dickweed" and told me that she never wants to hear from me again, doesn't want to be reminded of me again, doesn't even want to see an image of me, and told me to "f off" basically. That right there, just about crushed any hope I had left. Which I should've seen this coming, I never expected her to feel that way about me. It made me feel what a horrible person I was to her, all the hurt I've caused, she would have none of that, and who can blame her? Not once did I blame her for being with him. If anything I blame myself. It was never her fault. It was all my fault. A 125% of it was my fault.

Nowadays, I try to move on with my life, but I know it's not gonna be easy.  Whenever I reflect on my past relationship with Erin, it just brings out the guilt and regret inside of me because I knew it's all my fault. Whenever I think about it, it just reminds me what a failure I was. Erin never deserved any of that. Not once did she do anything to deserve the hurt I know that she's happy now. Finally found somebody that's worthy of her. I always did tell her she would find someone who's way better then me in every way possible. Good to know I was right all along. Somebody who'll be there for her, make her happy, comfort her during times of distress, just being there for her. I'm glad she's happy. That alone, manages to make me smile a bit. Knowing that I never have to worry about her and that she's in good hands. I know she's better off without me.

Am I over it? Not by a long shot. It's gonna take months, and even then, I can never forget what I had done. I'll always miss her, I'll always miss what we had ect. Erin was NOT the bad person in this, she was the victim. I'm the bad guy. Erin has made my life so much better. Everytime we did talk, she always made me smile and forget about everything else. She'll always remain an important figure in my life. Do I still have any lingering feelings for her? Honestly, I shouldn't have any, but I do still have just a small amount left. That's one of the main reasons why it's taking the process a lot harder to run. It's gonna take a while though. Do I wish that I can just turn back the hands of time and correct all of the mistakes I ever made? Yes. If there was such a thing, I'll take it in a heartbeat. Like I mentioned in my previous entry, if she ever wanted to speak to me again and be friends, she knows how to contact me, and I'll accept her back into my life with open arms. But I know now that'll never happen, so i won't hold my breath on that. Another reason why I decided to finally unveil on what I was feeling because, some of Erin's friends is also my friends as well believe it or not. I think they need to know what exactly happened between us so, here it is, for the whole world to see now XP

I have to learn from this. I have to in order to grow up, mature, as a young adult. It's really ironic; I always thought I was the more "mature" one out of me and Erin, when in reality, she's the mature one. She did what she had to do to be happy. She doesn't lament on the "what if's". She focuses on whatever is in front of her. I was so naive, and I'm still am. I can either let this lead me to bitterness or growth. I'm not gonna let this beat me up forever. I will come back from this. I want to show people that I can be a mature person that people expect from me. I want to be a better person then I was before. In order for that to happen, it's gonna take a lot of work, dedication, and patience. I'm not going to pursue a relationship, because I know that if I did, I know I would eventually think about Erin, and I'll feel bad, and then it'll look like I'm using them, and I'm NOT that kind of person. I don't want someone hurt because of my selfish reasons. I've also vowed never to hurt anyone like I did to Erin ever again. I know, talk is cheap, so somehow, I have to prove that somehow. Besides I couldn't get a girl if I tried anyway.

Well, that's my rant, if you want to call it that. I honestly do feel relieved to finally let it out. Anyway, have a Happy Halloween and don't eat too much candies, though if it was Recess's, I'll go all out on that. xD Happy Trick-or-Treating!

P.S. Shoutouts to Ana a.k.a. DarkAngel, Dave a.k.a. davyboy90, Akina, Sophie, Mai, and Micheal for helping me get through this. I know I complained about it alot and probably annoyed you guys, so thanks for putting up with me. IDK what I do without you guys. I can't thank you guys enough, I really appreciate it.